Do Good Without Any Expectations from Others

                                                                                               

            A lot many problems and complexities in our life are sheer because of the wrong approaches we adopt when faced with them. One such relates to our multiple expectations from all those around us. Be they our relatives, friends, colleagues or mere acquaintances. We usually have certain expectations from each of them. These expectations increase if we have done something good to them, hoping that they would return the favour sooner or later. But we feel upset and frustrated as many of them don’t act or react the way we expected, thereby resulting in a lot of heart-burn and bad blood in our relationships.

            But our expectations and anticipations going unrequited is a fact long known and experienced. This is why, there have been many precepts and wise words relating thereto, advising us against harbouring any such thoughts or wishes for others behaving the same way we do. All such words of wisdom advise us to immediately forget after doing any work of altruism or favour to our near and dear ones. More often than not, our expectations from others for returning the favour out of a deep sense of gratitude or acting in the same fashion as we did may be hugely misplaced and may not come true.

            Rather, it is quite possible that we may even get harmed and hurt by those benefitted by our good deeds and acts. One should still keep extending all possible help to everyone approaching us therefor, without ever thinking of any return favour. We should help someone not because someone approaches us for the same, but we should do so actually because the feeling and action of helping someone itself is very uplifting. Again, helping someone without his/her knowing the source of help is said to be greater and loftier.

            We could assist and help on our own seeking and initiative also whether someone seeks our help or not because of the spiritual advancement involved therein. We should do so even if someone doesn’t acknowledge the help or even tries to harm and hurt us. Whatever be the reaction or response from the beneficiaries, we should continue helping such people notwithstanding the harm or hurt received in return. We should still help such people as long as we feel capable of doing so, as long as we ourselves don’t actually get hurt or harmed or as long as we are capable of helping without compromising our own self-interests.

            After all, if we stop helping or coming to someone’s rescue despite calls for assistance, there would be no difference left between them and us. The people who help despite harm coming their way or continue do so without revealing their identity are bigger and greater souls. Now, how far are we willing to travel from being an ordinary soul to an extraordinary soul for extending help or assistance to someone ungrateful notwithstanding our good behaviour, good intentions and our initiatives for help depend upon our own desire.

            The desire for altruism is also inspired or informed by the level of evolution of our individual soul. The greater and enlightened souls, being saintly in nature, would still help such people notwithstanding all the harm and hurt expected, involved or returned and continue doing so despite all the obstacles on their way because of the divine pleasure they derive out of such acts of kindness. Earth being a school and human life being an opportunity for passing all the ordeals and tests for learning right lessons for advancement of our ‘Self’, the loftier souls take such hurts and harms as their tests in life’s school on earth for moving faster in their spiritual growth.

            The spiritually more enlightened souls continue helping the ungrateful souls also because they don’t believe in the dichotomy of ‘me’ versus ‘they’. To them, all of us being reflections of God, all of us having divine element and all of being spiritually connected, all such acts of altruism and kindness are actually service to the ‘Self’ and offerings to the Almighty. Therefore, they indulge in all such acts without any selfish interests or expectations of return favours from the beneficiaries.

            This variance in behaviour or ingratitude from the beneficiaries sometime also stem from the divergent perceptions of the interlocutors. What we deemed as an act of kindness or assistance may have been perceived as a condescending and patronizing act aimed at belittling and denigrating the other. The manner in which the favour or kindness was extended also may have a role in changing the perception of the recipients.

            But all said and done, no return favour or comparable kindness ought to be expected for the extended deeds of altruism. Such acts otherwise no longer remain acts of altruism and turn selfish investments. But this also remains true that all such acts of good deeds and kindness eventually come back multiplied in one way or the other. Only we should not be expecting the same. The return favour or rewards for our good deeds may not come from the same people or in the same manner, but they do come back to our benefit in one or the other way.

            In fact, the biggest rewards for all such acts of altruism, favour or good deeds, are the performance of these acts themselves. The contentment and joy emanating from the execution or accomplishment of these acts are themselves the ‘just desserts’ or deserved rewards. The very fact that we could perform those acts of favour or altruism shows that the Almighty has been very kind by endowing us with the capabilities and capacities to do good to others. If we are capable of indulging in such uplifting and elevating acts, it simply means that we have enough (in terms of time, resources, health or loved ones) for ourselves which allows us to share the same with others by indulging in such acts of compassion, kindness and altruism.

            It is often ironic to notice that notwithstanding the fact that most of us are aware of these wise words and insights, still we have a lot of expectations from those around us. It is this which is often the cause of our misery, unhappiness, gloom, despair and wretchedness. It is perhaps keeping such a thing in mind that the celebrated Hindu scripture Bhagwad Gita long propounded the thesis of ‘Nishkama Karma’. It exhorts us to do our duties without any expectations or attachment towards the outcomes or fruits of our action. As we remain excessively attached to the outcomes, results or fruits of our action, we end up sullen, irritable, wretched, dejected and miserable because our expectations often don’t turn out the way we expected them to.

            Hence, it is more than advisable that we restrain our expectations and desires even while performing our expected duties with all our dedication and devotion. Deeming our actions and performance of duties to be the selfless offerings to the God, we should derive our joys from their very performance, thanking God for endowing us with the capability of doing the same. After all this, if we still have people around us returning the favour, we should accept the same as bonus, as the grace of the Almighty without in anyway being overly attached to the same.

            Not expecting fruits of our actions definitely does not mean that we stop attempting newer things and stop having any desires at all. What one means here that even while we reduce our desires to the minimum, we should never be attached to their outcomes as the same may have negative repercussions and ramifications for our personal and spiritual growth? As we move up the spiritual ladder, our desires should be less for the material pleasures and more for the permanent spiritual bliss. The latter would bring us eternal happiness vis a vis the transient one via enjoyment of material comforts.

            So, even while we reduce our desires, we can still afford to remain positively dissatisfied to indulge our creative muses in search of eternal happiness in the spirit of Nishkama Karma to keep on exploring the secrets and mysteries of our cosmos.            Life being a drama as the Bard of Avon had famously said, we should simply go on playing our role without in anyway expecting that the other characters in the drama would play their roles equally well. Mind you, we can only control ourselves and not others. We should focus on our own role in the life’s drama, without ever trying to push or advise others as to how they ought to play their roles.

            The same being equivalent to unsolicited advice, meddling in others’ internal affairs and attempts to control others’ lives is not viewed and treated well by others. Anyway, we can only play our roles. Howsoever may we try, we can’t play others’ roles. The latter have to be played by those for whom they are meant. However, we ought not shirk from any requested help or assistance required by others in playing their roles. But while doing so, there must not be any expectation that they shall also be equally obliging, supportive and forthcoming when we require them to do so.

            Again, because of our misplaced and undue expectations from others to act the way we want them to, many of us often try to shape people in our mould. We try to control people, their actions and their life which not only sours our relations vis a vis others but also leave us disgruntled and petulant. In fact, instead of attempting to shape others’ personality, we ourselves end up being shaped in a negative mould. This happens because of our failure to get others to conduct in our expected ways. The same leads us into becoming very badly-behaved and irresponsible. This often leads us into playing safe to avoid responsibilities. But the same reflects very poorly on our leadership credentials. We should not shrink from taking responsibility wherever and whenever warranted by the circumstances.

            More often than not, we don’t mind our business and are more interested in others’ personal affairs. Instead of confining ourselves with our affairs and indulging in self-development, we often love looking over others’ shoulders, thereby robbing us of our sanity and normality. Our ‘I know everything’ attitude is often the parent cause of many of our problems. Rather than opining and declaiming on everything and about everyone’s matters, we should consciously keep from proffering unsolicited advices. In fact, we had better listen to other people around us, howsoever unimportant and lowly they may be. It is often helpful and opens newer vistas for our self-growth.

            Often we don’t like people bragging, exaggerating, claiming bigger and greater things or doing well. So, we busy ourselves criticizing, carping, bitching and cribbing about such people all the time. Instead of feeding our negative Self, we had better focus on self-development than poking our Pinocchio nose in others’ affairs. We end up using very bitter and foul language about others, we begin talking ill of others all the time, we keep criticizing others as they are not behaving in a certain way, we are angry all the time and we cause very bad hormones to be generated in our bodies and all this is definitely not a very uplifting experience.

            Why at all should we bother what others are doing, saying, achieving or claiming as long as the same does not affect us in one way or the other. We should look at others only to get positively inspired than to sulk and feel envious at the achievements and exaggerated claims about their successes. Confining ourselves with self-development than engaging in negative acts would fix half of our problems. The negative talks and acts imbued with negative emotions not only take a toll on our mental and physical health, but the same also leave us a very bad human being, who misses the wood for the tree, who has no idea of the purpose for our being here in this life and ends up messing his/her precious human birth.

            All this triggers a chain reaction of failures and unhappiness in our life. Our failures to control others’ actions and lives keep us internally unhappy and dissatisfied all the time, thereby negatively affecting and influencing our external behaviour. As such, we keep cribbing and complaining all the time for our deemed failures. We also create and invent imaginary ‘fall guys’ for our failures and blame them for the same. Such people often attribute their failures to lack of right people, right circumstances and suitable resources for not being able to carry out their responsibilities and duties effectively.

            If we really were to perform our duties and escapades when all the required resources and circumstances are available to us, the same does us no credit. After all, anyone can do anything if all the desired and required resources are made available. But, if we can carry out our responsibilities and perform the difficult tasks notwithstanding all the constraints and handicaps, then it shows our real leadership qualities while also proving our real character and worth. Such persons always succeed in life and know how to make even adverse situations favourable and positive.

            Who can forget the redoubtable Mountain Man Dasrath Majhi from the Indian province of Jharkhand who never cribbed about the absence of a road in his village? Majhi took upon himself to keep chipping away at the mighty mountains for a long 22 years to carve a road through the same after he lost his wife on way to the hospital via the same mountain. There was no short route available and possible in his village because of the mountain standing in the way of a shorter route. Today, Dasrath Majhi, who was a mere daily wage labourer, is a legend in India for pulling off the impossible. If one single person could do it, we all can definitely do the same with whatever resources are available to us.

            In his celebrated work titled, ‘American Soldier’, the eminent American sociologist Samuel Johnson found out that the soldiers who had comfortable and easy postings in peaceful regions had many more complaints than those posted on the difficult borders and warfronts. Same is the case with all of us. Most of us who have all the life’s comforts available to us keep cribbing and whining about certain other things we don’t have in life. However, those who are deprived of even the basic amenities and requirements of life are usually comfortable and happy with their circumstances.

            As they say, our pains, problems, troubles and travails are actually God’s tool to test our mettle to improve our character through the same. Every problem we encounter, every challenge we face and every pain we endure make us a stronger and better person than we were earlier. However, as we move with our sundry endeavours to achieve life’s goals, we ought to be careful not to lose our basic individuality and humanity because of the same. In our bid to achieve our objectives, we try to please and placate those who may help us in doing so. However, often we overdo the same, thereby losing the very individuality which distinguishes us from the others.

             We are always modifying our conduct and demeanour in keeping with the prerequisites of our life’s goals and ambitions. As long as these behavioural changes and modifications are positive and in conformity with the larger spiritual upliftment of our soul, the same is well-taken and recommended. The problem starts when we modify our behaviour to get recognized by those around us including friends, relatives, colleagues and other members of the larger society. More often than not, we lose our individuality, uniqueness and originality while trying to do so and by going overboard for attaining the societal recognition and appreciation.

            Societal and normative conformity and compliance beyond an acceptable point and at the expense of our individuality are definitely not advisable. Many of the shining examples of success amidst us are of the rebels and iconoclasts who have believed in their convictions and continued with their ways without being overly worried or hooked to societal acceptance and appreciation. They may have had to bear with societal deprecation and humiliation initially, but they were finally accepted and lauded for whatever they set out to do. In fact, most of the civilisational progress has come about because of these non-conformist rebels who had the conviction and courage to challenge the status-quo notwithstanding much opposition and resistance on their way.

            Again, while we try out newer things, indulge our creative muses, perform our duties and set out to achieve our life’s goals, we should do the same without ever hurting the others. Hurting and harming for larger societal interests as in case of a soldier doing it for his country may be acceptable, but we should never do the same for the misplaced selfish interests. By talking ill of others because of our supposed sense of hurt and humiliation, we actually hurt ourself more than once and more than we ever realize.

            By doing so all the time, we not only activate and attract negative vibrations, we actually end up hurting ourselves more than once because of this attitude. The person may have hurt us only once, but our constant focus on the incident makes us hurt ourselves more than once. The guilty mind thinks that everyone around us knows about the negative incident or our mistake. So, we keep on trying to defend the same even though people may hardly know about it, may have forgotten the same or may be hardly interested in the same. But our constant preoccupation and obsession never allows the issue to die down and we keep the same alive by our conscious behaviour.

            We should stop doing the same and move on with our life, occupying ourselves with positive things. People only see and hear what we show and say. Anything we think is immediately reflected through our speech and action. So, we ought to be careful about harbouring negative thoughts. Positivity in thought and steadfastness in action slowly for surely lead us towards realization of our real ‘Self’ and eventual merger with the Supreme Consciousness.