Managing Our Insecurities and Inferiorities

                                                                                                *Saumitra Mohan

            At times, many of us are quite vile and vicious with those around us. Varied experiences give rise to varied emotions. When happy and secure, we convey uplifting feelings and emotions. When unhappy and miserable, we become mean and nasty. This is quite common and natural. As contact with fire or electric current teaches us against nearing the same unsafely, similarly unpleasant experiences emanating from negative actions and expressions educate us against the advisability of harbouring the same.

             The problem arises when churlishness become our second nature without us even realising the same. Many of us start deriving sadistic pleasure from hurting and harming others. Why do we do so? What do we gain from such behaviour? We seldom realise how much we damage our own cause by indulging and feeding our baser Self. Our much desirable spiritual evolution is seriously impeded because of the same.

            We may justify such nasty behaviour for mending others’ mistakes. Many believe it to be their duty to correct anyone and everyone around them by teaching them a lesson, by giving them a piece of their mind or by outright ill-treating them. Raising our hackles or humiliating people is often deemed the right response vis a vis people we assume to be in the wrong. While one may be right about educating some people, but there are saner ways to do it without rubbing people the wrong way.

            More often than not, it is less of our lofty desire to help and guide others by such despicable conduct than our own subconscious insecurities and inferiority complex masquerading as superiority complex placing our wicked self in command. It is our deeply-ingrained insecurities and inferiority complex which goad us into hurting and harming people around us including our friends, relatives, colleagues or complete strangers. In course of time, the body language, tone and tenor of our speech also start reflecting the negativity in our personality.

            It is very common for us to like or dislike someone during our interactions with him/her. Often these negative-minded people try to obstruct or harm those whose life they control, command or influence directly or indirectly without realising that we can’t change anyone’s destiny. In fact, often our negative behaviour acts as a catalyst and anneals the resolve of those at the receiving end of nastiness.

            The people displaying such malice and viciousness could be our parents, teachers, professors, superiors, employers, friends, children or relatives. These people often exhibit a schizophrenic personality. They would get angry, churlish or rude with those in a disadvantageous power relation, but are at the best of their behaviour with those placed high in the pecking order. Like a chameleon, they can alter their behaviour, body language and verbal deliveries such that it is often difficult to figure out that the two are the same person.

            Many of us keep up with our nastiness or abusive behaviour till it is too late for them to take any corrective action as by then these people are left sulking in solitude, inhibiting their own spiritual growth. The Hindu sages, however, feel that such people are very important for their interlocutors. First, the presence of these people could be seen as the consequence of our own Karma (read deeds) in this or previous lives. Second, these people are required in our life for learning right lessons for moving ahead and for our spiritual growth. They provide the fire wherein our individuality burn to become pure like gold.

            Deriving right lessons, we learn not to be malicious with others either in language or in our conduct. We learn to cultivate qualities like patience, forbearance, fortitude, humility anger-management, stress management, empathy, sympathy and team spirit, thereby learning to pull along with all kinds of people in our life. So, instead of cursing such people, we should be thankful to them for providing us learning opportunities for growing spiritually.

            Mind you, had we been perfect, we would not have been sent to this imperfect world. We are living in an imperfect world, with imperfect people as an imperfect living being. So, while someone loses an opportunity for growing up, we should not lose ours. As Confucius said, “Don’t do unto others what you don’t want others do unto you”. What is unfortunate is the fact that often these Shylocks and Jeremiahs discern and discover the value of people only after their departure.

            We are usually busy finding faults and mistreating people while they are around. But we miss them badly after they are gone, from our life or from this world. Our own abusive and foul misconduct make us very lonely in life because people start avoiding and evading us. The bad behaviour also affects us when we feel helpless in our old age or during our difficult, trying times as we find none by our side. But as they say, the morning sun has to shine if we are experiencing the dark night of failures.

            We only need to learn, unlearn, relearn and rediscover ourselves during such period rather than becoming very demanding, juvenile and bitter. Many children have complained of oppressive parents and their sky-high expectations in old age often bordering on selfishness, without bothering or caring for their children or appreciating their problems. While such parents need to be more understanding and realistic in their expectations, the children also need to be sympathetic to their parents’ old age needs.

            Often we are so engrossed in our world that we stop caring for our parents or elders beyond meeting their physical and material needs. Their emotional and psychological needs are left unattended. We should not be ungrateful to our parents, remembering that we were also the same in our childhood. If they tolerated us and our wayward ways, we must do the same. Such difficult times and abusive behavioural relationship are often an opportunity in character building for us.

            That, however, should never mean that we should accept such abuses or ill-treatment from others if the same is unjustified, unreasonable or outright illegal. We need to find a way out of such abusive relationships without hurting or compromising our eternal interests i.e. our spiritual growth. Encouraging abuse of power, abusive people or their tyrannical behaviour has been compared with a ‘sin’ and must not be tolerated beyond a point. All our relationships are learning opportunities for both the parties.

            Both need to learn from each other. The abusive person also needs to be told the truth or get a feedback through our own discrete behaviour to help him/her learn right lessons while we learn ours to come out stronger from such abusive power relations. The truth is when we see the ‘Self in others and others in Self’, we derive real joy. As Henry David Thoreau said, ‘It is not what you look at that matters, but what you see’. We shall not grow as long as we don’t get others’ care and attention. It is the same for those around us.

            All our independence is relative, but the truth is right from our birth till our death, we remain dependent on others for all our needs. That is how the creation is made where everything and everyone is linked to everything and everyone else. So, it is advisable for us that we treat everyone around us with respect and dignity as this is how we can move up the spiritual ladder otherwise we shall remain stuck in the mirage of chasing temporal lies and myths.