The Homely Chemical Warfare

                                                                                                *Saumitra Mohan

            On 5^th December, 2006, a Dallas-bound American airline was forced to make an emergency landing at Nashville after a passenger lit a match to disguise the smell of her flatulence. Later, inquiry revealed that the feared embarrassment likely to ensue from an innocuous physiological function had led the Milady to undertake an ingenuous rescue mission which turned abortive.

            As we know, during digestion, the undigested food particles on their way from stomach to small intestines pass into the large intestine and the colon, where bacteria break the rest of it down. This bacterial fermentation ultimately releases the main components of excess intestinal gases, also known as flatus, through the anus, often accompanied by sound and stench. Flatulence, thus, is body’s way of purging the colon of unwanted gases to relieve pressure on the intestines. It is also an indication that our digestive track is returning to the normal and it was advisable for us to emergently head to the john before we start giving it away.

            The fetid odour actually comes from a combination of sulphur compounds which comprise less than one percent of the gas’s composition. The all too familiar reverberation is a result of the gas passing through the rectum, causing vibrations in the anal opening. The dreaded auditory pitch depends on the tautness of the sphincter, the annular muscle, as well as the velocity of the gas being expelled. The Average episode of flatulence per person is 13.6 per day while the average release of gas per episode is 35-90 millimetre, averaging 500-2000 millimetre per day.

            According to the gastroenterologists, carbohydrates such as sugars, starches and fibres produce the most gas in the colon as they do not get absorbed as completely in the small intestine. This is why vegans and vegetarians tend to be more flatulent than their meat eating counterparts though the vegetative flatulence is said to be most benevolent of the lot. The expulsion of oxygen by the leaves of a plant could be considered a plant’s flatus, for it is gas escaping into the atmosphere. As there are no muscles to control this expulsion, emission of gas is gradual and goes unnoticed.

            Hushed or strident, expulsion of intestinal gases usually indicates a healthy digestive system. Composed of carbon dioxide, hydrogen, oxygen, nitrogen and methane, 99 percent of flatulence is odourless and colourless. However, it is the puny one percent which has been the raison d'être for all the humour and embarrassment. As someone said, ‘if fart is an art, the fartist is an artist’. After all, have not all of us experienced a mind-boggling assortments, types and fashions of human flatus.

            What is surprising is the fact that while we all pucker up our nose in disapproval of others’ flatulent habits, we seemingly feel conceited of our own productions. Often, we glow with a mischievous smirk at others’ discomfort as a result of our so-called ‘unbecoming act’. A pungent anthropogenic aroma during a serious meeting makes the boss’ eyes survey for the potential culprit for the putative attempt to sabotage the official business though the same act in a closed gathering evokes unrestrained giggles and sniggers.

            However, it is exceedingly hazardous and foolhardy to break the wind when you are afflicted with loose motions. If not anything, you may end up walking the distance to the comfort station for some emergent sartorial changes. Be it kindly noted that the flatulence is very much gender and ethnicity neutral. Any thought to the contrary reflects on the unenlightened nature of the thinkers.

            Prejudices underline our perception when we differentiate between our minions and close family members when it comes to accepting their flatulent habits as if flatus of the subordinates is blue murder while those of the kith and kin is a manna from the paradise. A fart is a fart is a fart. Whatever name may we call it, it stinks nevertheless. Any thought of an affirmative action for equitable flatulence distribution for the disadvantaged is simply unnecessary as none of us is flatulence impaired. So, any superstition about beautiful girls not indulging in flatulence is nothing but an exaggeration of those struck by Cupid.

            The experts have classified the practitioners of flatulence into different categories including the civilized and uncivilized. While the uncouth and uncivilized break their winds laced with the foulest odour brazenly, the civilized folks do the same on the sly, in the most decent fashion with least chances of anyone doubting their involvement in making the gas chamber of a social gathering.

            The silent and discrete performance by those with stiff upper lips has everyone looking at everyone else with suspicion and distrust. The intensity, foulness and spread of your gaseous discharges and the acoustic pitch of the same determine the level of your sophistication amongst the civilized gentry though it is the silent variety which is always the killer. The latter kills the mood and often the fun, depending upon the frequency of the same. A new line of undergarment employs chemical warfare technology to filter out the smell of its users’ flatulence.

            Being unbreathable air, if we were to stuff a tank with flatulent gases, and then make someone breathe the resulting output, they would surely die from lack of oxygen. Promotions, opportunities and money have often been lost due to one’s innate intolerance to flatulence. A District of Colombia judge awarded a 54-year old man four lakh dollars in damages in his age-discrimination law suit against his former employer. According to the plaintiff, his supervisor continuously made references to his old age, including addressing him as an ‘Old Fart’.

            The small babies and senior citizens are supposedly the most innocent of flatulence practitioners who, after a loud blast or a stinker, continue as usual feigning as if nothing has happened while the world around them runs helter-skelter for shelter. In these health conscious times, effective Yoga postures are being prescribed for facilitating healthful expulsion of body gases. The doctors and physiotherapists are often making money for the same at the expense of others.

            According to the ‘Theory of Relational Determinism of Flatulence’, it is believed that the comfort and frequency of breaking winds among our loved ones are determined by the proximity and comfort of a relationship. One of the central tenets of this Theory suggests that you exercise caution and don’t fart brazenly among the strangers. The classic example could be the rapport between the husband and the wife. A newly married couple typically takes a lot of pain to restrain their flatulent urges.

            But as they get closer and comfortable with each other, it is the Worse Half between the two who breaks the ice while breaking the wind with a sheepish smile laced with a guilt conscious look. The smile is returned by the shy Better Half. With time, the Worse Half gets worst, brazen and frequent while letting lose the reigns of his restraining discretions. The marriage is supposed to become consummated the day the Better Half does the honour with an impish smile, deigning as if nothing ever happened. The more unrestrained and recurrent practice of flatulence by the two spouses underline the success of the nuptial knot becoming further strong.

            One of my friends often jokingly complained of having lost all her hair because of the polluting effects stemming from uninhibited use of chemical weapons by a colleague during a prolonged training session. It is well known that in space, there is no convection because of non-existent gravity. Without gravity, the cool air does not sink or warm air does not rise above. So if you fart in space, the gas stays right there. It does not go anywhere. It signifies huge sacrifice by the astronauts for the sake of their countries; it also imparts them some lessons in peaceful coexistence.

            Amidst the unrestrained laughter and suffering of those at the receiving end, the flatulence remains a physiological reality and a social gaffe. Whatever be the case, we simply cannot wish it away and need to accept it as an inalienable part of our corporate life.

*Dr. Saumitra Mohan is an IAS officer, presently working as the Commissioner of School Education, Govt of West Bengal.